Heh. Something that has been on my mind, she says, typing one-handed while balancing sleeping babe, Boppy, and laptop. Earlier this month, Female Science Professor posted a survey on careers in science, helping out a high school student with a senior thesis project. While I was dismayed that anthropology wasn’t included in the science categories, there were lots of comments, and FSP noted in a follow-up post:
I found it interesting that the majority of respondents are women (not surprising) with no children (perhaps also not surprising, depending on the reason for the lack of children).
So she asked readers to elaborate:
I am [female/male] and I do not have children because.. [rest of sentence].
Many who are early in their careers, like SpiderMonkey, responded that they were in grad school/doing fieldwork/postdoc, and couldn’t see adding kids to the stress/craziness, but that they wanted children eventually. Some never wanted children to begin with, and preferred to focus on their careers.
Dr. Isis, who is the mother of a young child herself, also wanted to know why people chose to have kids while pursuing a career in science. Some said that they were having children now, because they didn’t want to wait until their careers were established and discover that it was too late.
The responses and comments got me thinking about my own situation, and that of my friends and colleagues.
When I started grad school, I think I was one of two students in my lab, maybe in the entire department, that had a child. Oldest daughter was 2.5. When I finished my PhD last summer, pregnant with youngest daughter, many of my fellow grad students had (multiple) children. In my lab alone, fourteen babies were born during my years as a graduate student, and that was just the biological anthropologists! Doing our bit for the evolutionary fitness of the group. My dissertation advisor cautions new students not to drink the water, just in case.
None of us would claim that finishing a terminal degree while trying to have a semi-normal life (nevermind children) was easy. My first was born the summer before my last year of undergrad. I was excused from the final exam in my early childhood education class because I was in labor. With our latest, my husband and I convinced ourselves that we could handle it (jobs, kids, school, life, new baby) because we had done the parenting thing and knew what to expect. So this summer, I defended my dissertation, had a baby, and started a new job, all within the space of three months. Because one stressful life event at a time isn’t enough, or like Dr. Isis says, parenthood “is just not compatible with anything rational or sane.”
I am now convinced that parents forget the first six weeks with a new baby. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, shifting hormones, whatever. Those first six weeks with youngest daughter were rough. Maybe because we’re older, maybe because we haven’t parented a newborn together before, maybe because we live away from family, maybe because every baby is different. Add to that the stress of starting the postdoc, and it’s been a difficult adjustment for everyone. Trying to do homework/housework/eat/blog/shower/sleep(?!)/start a career around a newborn’s (utter lack of) schedule is daunting. And when I’m at work, I’m also pumping every few hours, missing the baby, going to class, trying to remember to eat, attending meetings, etc. Add a 90 minute commute round trip on top of that, and some days I feel lucky to remember my own name.
A couple of things have helped during the adjustment phase:
- Cosleeping. Youngest daughter sleeps with us (technically on me), so I can sleep while she has a midnight snack. I don’t think I’m getting the quality of sleep I was getting before I got pregnant, but I am getting more sleep than I would if I had to get out of bed (and fully wake up) to nurse her.
- Other mom friends. Fourteen babies. Most of the grad students in my lab are in the same situation, so if one of us needs help, we can depend on each other. We babysit each other’s kids, pick them up from school, and have playgroups together. That support is invaluable.
So for those women who want both a career in science and a family, it can be done. Cloud at Wandering Scientist is compiling a list of professional women who are making it work (Yes, Virginia, There are Scientists who are Mothers). I respectfully disagree with those who feel they can’t be a scientist and a parent. I AM a scientist, I was a scientist before I had children, and that mindset influences how I parent them (much to the chagrin of oldest daughter’s high school teachers, I imagine. She corrected her French teacher the other day when his picture for singe –monkey– was a chimpanzee). I’m also a parent. And I should be able to be both. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my entire life for my career, or give up the career I love because I have kids. Doesn’t make the balancing act any easier, but my life is full, and doubly rewarding.
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Image Credit: clarity via flickr
